I hate CSI: Miami!

November 22, 2005 | General, Rants and Raves | By: Mark VandeWettering

Oh, dear, lord.

Could the episode I watched have been any more ridiculous?

In the episode Urban Hellraisers, the plotline featured a gang of young college hoodlums who decide to play a live action version of Grand Theft Auto Urban Hellraisers. It featured the following incredible plot points (I’d normally fear spoiling the plot or someone, but the writers beat me to it):

  • About fifty beauty shots of the Hummer H3, interspersed with ten minutes of Hummer H3 commercials, and followed up by a plea to go to cbs.com to watch a special ending, featuring even more Hummer commercials.
  • The usual plot device of having an “infinite resolution camera” which happens to allow them to read the sticker in the window of a car from hundreds of feet away.
  • Cliché about gamers gone crazy, who are playing the game for real.
  • Cliché about gamer playing himself to death and dying of renal failure.
  • The “winner” of the game turns out to be a nerdy girl who was “just trying to fit in.”
  • The mastermind behind the entire crime spree was an unscrupulous game developer who planned the whole thing to please his stockholders by driving up interest in the game, who comically asserts that “I’ll never do a day behind bars!”

Could this show be any more stupid? Honestly, I’m beginning to look back at Three’s Company for instances of plot sophistication. If you are a writer for this show, send your paycheck back: you are ripping of the company you work for.

100% Crap.

Comments

Comment from jack butchie
Time 4/17/2008 at 3:41 am

Question. How many morons out there actually believe what they see on those garbage CSI shows is actually true? Well boys and girls, sadly — millions.
Take this scenario. A rare, hard to find rope was used to create a corpse of some poor slob. Yep, it was gonna be hard to find who might sell this rope. Hold it – no it ain’t. Let’s fire up our CSI Rope Database which will search the inventory of every store on the planet. Yep, it worked.
Let’s whip right over to these stores and see who bought this rope. We’ll then have suspects and eventually nail the killer.
Listen up CSI dickheads. There ain’t no rope database.
CSI do not track down leads. I have seen episodes where they stake-out suspects waiting for them to leave behind a DNA sample. Listen up CSI twitbrains — IT’S MADE UP.

How can anyone enjoy a television show that is crap from start to finish.

Speaking of cops. Have you ever noticed that Brass cop on the regular CSI series always works the same shift as the CSI gang does? Caruso cop guy from Miami always looks at people sideways. He also pays a lot of hospital bills and funeral expenses for crime victims. He is one swell man.

You may have noticed the CSI shows have a database to search anything. They can search people’s private medical records to see what drugs a person has purchased. Here is the scenario from CSI Miami. I could have it backwards, not being an insulin expert, but this is the general idea.

CSI twits have determined that the murderer uses insulin because the murder scene has a sweet smell, which supposedly insulin does when a person is getting low. The suspect they are interviewing doesn’t stink, but his limo does. Holy smokes, CSI now knows said suspect uses insulin. Good thing they smelled inside the limo. CSI hunches that the suspect must have injected just before committing the dreadful deed this time around. No problem for CSI. They search a database for all people who bought insulin in the last 24 hours, and yes, the suspects name is on the list. Get real CSI. There ain’t no way, ever, that this is plausible. It would mean they can search every pharmacist’s database anytime they damn well feel like it. Duh. How did they get permission to do this? I guess all pharmacies are required by law to let the police search people’s private records. More Duh!

Anytime a CSI person has a hunch about something, they sit their sweet ass down at a computer, and just start typing. Poof, up pops an answer. There was no need to actually find the correct non-existant database first, then search.

CSI’s are experts of all trades. They can inspect a car from top to bottom to determine if someone was messin with it. They can analyze a cars electronics just like that and understand what the data means. Wow! It takes a real mechanic a long time to learn this.

Holy Smokes CSI writers. Here is an idea for a spinoff. The show is about a mechanic who just happens to be an expert in all things CSI.

Stay tuned CSI lovers. More idiotic scenarios coming soon.

And here is another as promised.
CSI gang is at the home of some suspect. They lift a fingerprint from some object. It just so happens that one of the gang has the set of fingerprints with them of the person who committed the crime. The two are compared, but not with any scientific means, just by a casual glance, and guess what – they match. Crime solved.

Same scenario as above, this time one of the gang has a transparent image of a tire tread with them. He puts this image on a tire of the suspect vehicle and instantly declares “It’s a match” Yeah, well it will match thousands of other tires as well. A match is found by finding some irregularity. How did he know which tire to compare? Maybe the irregularity was on the bottom of the tire. Maybe in real life the tires would need to be removed, taken to the lab where some kind of established comparing method has to be used.

In the meantime all of those CSI FREAKS should be required by law to increase your intelligence about the real world of CSI.

Comment from Michael
Time 4/28/2008 at 9:04 pm

I just spent 20 minutes of my life watching the end CSI miami and my IQ is several points lower because of it. The show has the same plot every episode, just with different criminals and different evidence. The characters are 1 dimensional and they spend the whole time explaining what’s going on to the viewing audience!!

The show is less a show and more a ridicuous use quality computer graphics programs.

Comment from KF
Time 12/29/2008 at 10:10 pm

Why do I waste my very important personal time watching this stupid show?
The only thing I can think of is I live in South Floria and I like seeing secenes from where I live on TV.

I just watched the episode where the baby was kidnapped for 500K
It is so unreal. UGG I am pissed!

Why cant they put something real on TV!

Comment from Kameron
Time 3/12/2009 at 7:34 pm

I have to say everything the people above me said is true. This show is…..well…..crap. For those people who know that pretty much everything on this show is bull that’s good for you. But when I hear the person next to me at a restaurant talking about how the police should just do what the did on CSI Las Vegas I literally want to punch them in the face. The only reason I can think of that any person would watch this show is to laugh it its stupidity.